It was a fairly routine trip to my mum’s house, to water the plants whilst she is away. I decided not to use my walking crutch for the first time in a long time. I had some type of crazy determination to 'pop' and water the tomatoes..... I miss ‘popping’. You can’t ‘pop’ with a crutch, I’d decided. I first negotiated my way down a very level pathway, around a very large buddlia bush, held on to the long slender branches and launched my self into an adjacent bush. My right knee had switched off, given way, collapsed and I landed heavily. Slammed into the floor, again. In pain, thinking 'god that really did it this time' (not for the first time).
After a few minutes of deep breathing, I began my routine, silent thought process; how do I get up?
Should I still try and water the plants, I thought, or go straight home? I will take a couple of cuttings from the buddlia while I'm down here, I decided. Having opted for the backward bottom shuffle, across the fake grass, and onto the garden bench, I fended off my little dog, who by now was clambering all over me.
I made it home eventually, cried a little, admired my cuttings, made a sandwich and sat down for an hour. I Talked to the dogs, watched a bit of Netflix and tried to block out the familiar conversation in my head. You do have to be careful what you wish for, in my experience. Or are they valid, deep concerns, playing in my head, telling me what I know AGAIN, but can't say out loud.
I'm battling with my increasing lack of physical strength, my mental determination to somehow override this condition, and my desire to sit at every possible opportunity.....
In a pickle. In a Jam; some ideas for the names of my latest life changing career options.
I am finding working with primary school children increasingly tiring physically. Not wanting to give up, but a pretty loud voice telling me that it's the right thing to do. What do I do? I'm not ready to step out of the working circles, but realistically, this winter was tough. Both mentally and physically tough. Mentally hard because of the preparation that went on in my head, for atleast 12 hours before each work day, but also because of the speed at which I can, or more like, can't do things. Physically, because of the ice, slush, snow, wind, the odd hidden paper clip left to trip me up with!! All horrific hazards, in my mind. In fact, one morning I arrived in the car park at work, spotted the ice patch between my parking space and the door, and drove straight back out again. I did this three times! much to the confusion of the staff who were parking and treading carefully into work. I got in, finally, however, this surely is not a positive start to the day.
I'm captive in my home, happily, I have to say. Confident, relatively steady and not so tired. Outside, is a different tale.
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