Stuck between a rock and a hard place

The rock being Roy the wheelchair, and the hard place being Wilson the walking frame.  The do I, don't I? ongoing approach to wheelchair use.

I spent this morning feeling very stuck, fed up and self pitying.  My golden years are to come, apparently. I feel mine are more like dull tin years, and rusty tin at that.  How unfair it is that approaching a time when children have just about left home, and I should be doing the things I want to do, I'm using most of my physical and mental energy just getting through the basics of the day.  "This is time for you to do what you want", I've heard it so many times.  My conclusion is that I have been doing what I want, this past 20 years or so has been exactly what I'd hoped for, and more. Being married to the man I fell in love with, having my wonderful, determined and inspiring children. Various pets have joined us along the way and some have been a huge success, others have been an added and probably unnecessary complication.

After lunch and with slightly ferocious levels of determination, "Dan! I am going for a walk!!" Reply, "Ok mum, there's no need to sound so aggressive"! I decided to go for a walk, using Wilson (the walking frame) with my little dog, Boo.  I rang my mum to invite her, and mentally confirmed to myself, that I would be out of the house before 2 o'clock, by hook or by crook (or crutch). My afternoons are increasingly luring me in to a little sit, sip and sixty second sleep, which is lovely but sometimes leaves me feeling worse.

Wilson was in the car, we were off.  A major tick for that bit,  gate was shut, which can be tricky with one hand, but still gave myself a major tick for not being deterred. Wheel walked and scraped my way to the tiny, but pretty lush woodland walk, with meandering path and relatively easy, hazard free track. A man made, flat forest walk, which gives us physically compromised folk the feeling of having walked miles, whilst actually not going far at all! Benches at every corner, and a little stream running alongside. Perfect really, at this time.

Met up with mum and had a very successful rusty shuffle and scrape, along the pathway.  Sat at each bench and took in the beauty of the warm air, vivid greens, and the sheer magic of that kind of late spring day we get, when lucky.  

As things in the world begin to look a little more like they did before March 2020, I am reflecting on how many changes there have been, both at home and around me. For many, coming out of Lockdown has meant no change whatsoever, and will feel harder now than it was when we all shared in the experience. I am fortunate, I have a job to return to. I have also enjoyed the benefits of Zoom and Microsoft Teams. Our son will be starting his second year at university in September. Our daughter is going great guns with applying for jobs and getting interviews. Hubby still has his full time job, now working from home, and we have all stayed healthy.

These transitions are a good time to reflect, and learn from. I feel like I'm staying put, moving on and changing, all in one. Like the way the evening light transforms and outlines the humble tree, bathing it’s branches in such pure light. Highlighting the vibrant green and purple shrubs, against a darkened and dramatic grey sky.

Change and growth are only possible when the conditions are right.